Top Gear goes Rallycross Racing
by Sebastian of Ulm
Summary: All copyright to BBC. My friends and I get bored, so we go motor racing.
1. Meeting the Garys

**Top Gear Goes Rallycross Racing**

Prologue: Jamiebel Angkahan, Davina Angkahan-Valerio and I (Jim Eligino) all thought about how irrelevantly and ruinously expensive golfing is. So we asked, "Can you go motor racing for less than the price of Golf?"

We bought cars and modified them as cheaply as possible and met up at Lydden Hill race track in Kent, and Jamiebel and I were there early. By the way, each of our cars had our lucky numbers (me: 21, Jamiebel: 27, Davina: 69).

"This is a 146-mph Mercedes 190E 2.5-16 Cosworth," I explained, "for which I paid £800."

"Nice. That's a lot of car!" Jamiebel complimented.

"And this is…?"

"This is a Peugeot 106 GTi 1.9, for which I paid £550. And it's a nice one."

"It _is_ a nice one!"

Then Davina arrived in a red Toyota MR2.

"Dee-jae!" I replied, with joy.

"Morning, guys!" she greeted.

"How much was that?"

"£450."

"Seriously? £450 for that?"

"Yeah!"

"So we've got mid-engine/rear-drive (Davina), front-engine/front-drive (Jamiebel), front-engine/rear-drive (me)!"

"You've got the right 190E Cosworth – the 2.5!"

"I know."

"I'm gonna _have_ to say this, and I normally wouldn't say this, but your cars look fantastic!"

All three of us put down our blood types, and by the BBC's permission, got sponsorships! All of us are sponsored by Red Bull Racing and their sponsors, and will star in a few commercials for Red Bull, Pepe Jeans, Head and Shoulders shampoo, Geox Shoes, and Infiniti after the competition. We also fulfilled the safety requirements on our cars for £1,800 total (car and safety) for mine, £1,400 total for Jamiebel's, and £1,430 for Davina's.

So for the price of golf equipment, we were ready to go motor racing. And the division we chose was rallycross. Rallycross is like rallying, Formula 1 and NASCAR all put together – you get the tarmac and mud of all three, the close racing of Formula 1, and the real body contact of cars from NASCAR.

We were all discussing what we liked about rallycross and what we hated about golf. And when we ran over to the drivers' meeting, we ran into some familiar faces: Bernan Angkahan, Angelica Ortega, Pam Bautista, the Osborn siblings (Jessica and JT), Adam Morales, the Friesen Sisters (Shivan, Alaina and Lindsea), Travis Pastrana, Tanner Foust and "Mr. Gymkhana" himself (I call him that), Ken Block.

"Guys!" I replied. "What are you doing here?"

"We decided to go motor racing, since it's the weekend," Ken noted.

"I'm here because I just like England," added Tanner.

"Well, this is a big surprise," Jamiebel commented. "The gang's all here!"

"OK, so let's go racing!" JT spontaneously replied.

We got to the stewards' room and headed for the drivers' meeting, where it turned out, rallycross wasn't all that simple – but in short word form, each racer drives in two heats and at least one final. And the thing that amazed me is that all the people that weren't the above (there were 30 of us, 15 in the above – that includes me, Jay-bee and Dee-jae) were all named "Gary"! Well, apart from one girl, so we nicknamed her "Gary", just to keep it even. Also, in my heat, which included Adam and Ken, all the other racers are Gary!

"So in that case, you're racing in "Gary" class, Jim!" Jessica joked.

"You are Gary Eligino – or that _should_ be your name!" Alaina added. All 30 of us laughed.


	2. The Race Begins

The first heat had Davina going against Shivan and JT (in their BMW M3 E30 and Audi Quattro, respectively) and 5 other Garys. The race is three laps long, and all the engines were roaring, filling the air with the smell of petrol. As soon as the red lights went on, the race began. Davina got a good start.

"Oh, my God, she's about 2nd!" Jamiebel commented, surprised.

She did overtake the elder Osborn and Friesen, and JT made light contact, which made the short-black-haired Brit swear for a bit, and soon, JT overtook her. Davina was indeed having a good race, and started chasing him down, soon making mincemeat of him. Now all that laid in front of Davina was the one Gary in front of her. However, when she tried to take the one Gary, Shivan crashed in front of her.

"I've broken something [on my car]," Davina groaned. "Sod it!"

In the end, JT beat Shivan and the Gary for 1st, and Davina came last.

"We-must-not-laugh-when-Davina-gets-back," Adam spoke, in broken English, to the rest of us. Despite this, we still laughed. Hard. Apparently, she collapsed the suspension.

"Davina, you were doing good!" Travis replied.

"I know!" she thanked. "It really was that exciting!"

Next was Jamiebel, and she was against Travis, Tanner, Alaina, Pam and 3 other Garys. Although she was thinking about the scoring system, she decided to bin it and drive around as fast as possible. As soon as the red lights flashed, Alaina (in her MG ZR120) and Jamiebel jumped to the lead and began fighting for it, like Mika Häkkinen and Michael Schumacher. The agile 106 was brilliant in the mud, but the more powerful ZR sped away on the tarmac. Nonetheless, the two were duking it out for the lead, and eventually, after some body contact, she got the lead. And at the end, she won the race, with Alaina behind her, then Tanner (in his Ford Fiesta 1st gen), Travis (in his Toyota AE86 Sprinter Trueno) and then the 3 Garys, and finally, Pam (in her Toyota AE86 Corolla Levin).

"Yeah! There you go!" Jamiebel yelled, victoriously. "Come on! Has anyone ever left a golf course, feeling _this _high?"

As soon as she entered the pits, Davina and I yelled with joy.

"Hi-five!" I exclaimed. She and I did a hi-five, and the rest of us talked about her win in that race.

It was now my turn, and I was nervous, because of the 2.5-litre engine in my car, alongside Adam (with his Ford Sierra Sapphire Cosworth) and Ken (with his Ford Escort RS Cosworth), it meant that I was in the "super modified" class (Davina was in the "modified 2.0L" class, and Jamiebel was in the "modified 1.6L" class), and that three of the Garys were already champions. Despite my protests, I had to race against them. Albeit I had a bit of fear, I was ready. When the lights went on, I leapt straight to the front of the pack. I was holding my position well against my rivals, leading until the final corner of the final lap, where the Super Modified Garys put me, Ken and Adam in our place. And when we crossed the line, the three of us came last, second-to-last, and 2nd, respectively.

The last heat pit Bernan (in his Citroen Saxo VTS), Lindsea (in her Renault Clio 16v), Jessica (in her Mini Cooper S) and Angelica (in her Škoda Fabia vRS) against four other Garys, where Lindsea squeaked by Bernan for the win, and Jessica in third.

Now it's time for the epic racing montage. In Jamiebel's second race, she was edged out by Alaina for first after "a bit" of body contact. Bernan's second race had him finish third, behind Jessica (in the lead) and Angelica (in second). My next race saw me in fourth, with Mr. Block taking his first win. And now it was Davina's turn, and the officials put her hastily-repaired car on pole position. She was having a very good race…right up until she broke her suspension on the second lap.

"Right," she said, "now I've got some racing to do." But, um… "Crap! I'm blind!"

And so, two completely blind laps later, she finished last. Again. With yet more wounds on her MR2.

Now it's time to see who's in what final!

_Final A (Champions' Final): Jamiebel Angkahan, Tanner Foust, Alaina Friesen, Ken Block_

_Final B: Bernan Angkahan, Lindsea Friesen, Shivan Friesen, JT Osborn, Jessica Osborn, Travis Pastrana_

_Final C (Losers' Final): Jim Eligino, Davina Angkahan-Valerio, Angelica Ortega, Pam Bautista, Adam Morales_

"That means that you and I are racing against each other," I noted, to Davina. She nodded.

"Aw, man – I wanted to go against you!" Lindsea complained.

"But if you think about the scoring system here, it's quite clever, because you get to end up in a final, no matter how rubbish you are!"


	3. The Big Finale

The final for losers went well, as Angelica, Adam and Pam finished 3rd, 4th, and 5th. And in other news, Davina finished in a 1-2 with me. And guess who won that.

"I've won! Miracles have happened here – I actually won something!" I exclaimed. This victory gave me a chance to do my victory stunt – head to the front of the pits, do the robot walk and plant my flag: a white circle with an arrowpoint at the end, with a black background and a red "X" in the middle. Below the insignia, it says "Eligino's Land" (in white and red, respectively; a tribute to Jorge Lorenzo).

This flag is celebrating my conquest of rallycross. And this trend continued, when I competed in the B-final where, after a bit of argy-bargy with the elder Friesen and Osborn, I won again! And this was big news.

When I walked up to her, a surprised Jamiebel asked, "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Because I won the spanner and 2nd-place finals, I'm allowed to go into this final as well!" I answered, happily.

"But this is _my_ final! I don't understand that!"

"We established in practice that you're faster around here, because you're used to driving on wet leaves and mud."

"Because I live in Wales?"

"Yep."

Originally, I wasn't planning on spoiling Jay-bee's race, but since I was doing well, I thought to make it the "triple crown" and try to win this final. The only problem is, Jamiebel's on pole, whereas I'm far back in the pack.

The lights went on, and Jamiebel was able to push back the attackers from overtaking. I, meanwhile, had an excellent start, taking care of the middle Friesen and the two pros of rallycross (Foust and Block). And just as soon…

"How did Jim make up that many places in _my final?_" Jamiebel panicked.

And just as quick, the battle for first emerged like Ayrton Senna _(tangent: God bless his soul – he was a great man, and a greater racing driver)_ and Alain Prost at Monaco. And in case you don't know what that means, Jamiebel and I were really duking it out. I urged my black Silver Arrow to take the lead, but I ended up going wide, and losing 2nd to Ken. As soon as that happened, Jamiebel thought she could relax. Wrong – as I took Ken on the inside, I began to channel my inner Senna and attacked Jamiebel with all I had. But when we got to one certain corner, Jamiebel channeled her inner Prost and slammed into the right of me, and forced me a bit off the track. As a last-ditch effort, I dove into the last corner with as much speed as I could, and switched from channeling my inner Senna to my inner Schumacher, and took Jamiebel on the inside, taking the checkered flag - just. And the later reactions…

"How good was that?" Jamiebel excitedly asked.

"That was absolutely brilliant fun," I declared.

"Two completely different cars – you can't have imagined, pitting one against another; what a great race! That was tremendous!"

Epilogue: So in conclusion, all that in the above is really cheaper than the bag of clubs. And all the Garys are really friendly, so I urge you to get a racing license, get a cheap car, find the local rallycross race and do it!

And remember what I said about Jamiebel channeling her inner Alain Prost? Well, it actually seemed like she _was _the female version of Alain himself (Alaina Prost, if you liken). Like I said in the story, Jamiebel tried to ram me off the track, and according to the footage, she said, before and after, "I have to shut the door on him, I'm sorry!" (before) and "Ha ha ha ha!" (after). And all the while, she wrenched the wheel left. She admitted to such a thing, and was found guilty. But the way we dealt with it…

**Jamiebel: **I'm sorry, Jim.

**Jim: **Listen, it was racing, honestly! You little scallywag, I'll get you next time!

See? Nothing to it – we just laughed it off. And that, Mr. Bernie Ecclestone, boss of Formula 1, is how you deal with disputes. And as an extra surprise, to end off the story, playing his rendition of Top Gear's main theme "Jessica", is ex-Guns 'n' Roses guitarist, Slash! (check it out on Youtube – it's really cool.)

**End!**


End file.
